The Dog Can’t Play Dice


So I was at my friend’s house and he’s got a dog that’s six months old. Do you remember when you were six months old?  No….Because you were a fucking baby. At six months if you’re parents just left you in a walker in their house and didn’t come back for 8 hours you would cry and die. Crazy thing is, at one point every single person on this planet was an infant, yet not one of us remembers it.  Meanwhile, this dog is already walking….Fucking handling himself at a park, not getting hit by cars and shit. Humans don’t figure that trick out until they’re like 10. So we’re hanging out at the party and the infant dog understandably leaves a steaming pile shit on his carpet. Instead of being sympathetic, my buddy has the nerve to look at this thing and go “I thought we went over this!?! Why are you shitting on my floooor!?!”

I mean the dog is six months old, he doesn’t speak English. He’s leaps and bounds ahead of a comparable human. How am I buddies with some weird old guy who screams at babies?  At 6 months Ben Franklin was getting his lions wiped clean of shit by Mrs. Franklin (who I’m confident socially was low end trash otherwise we would all know her name).

This article was written by Hugh Honey. Vic Vinegar is now finished.

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