A few things Somali Pirates Probably Don’t Know Exist

somali-pirate (1)I love Somali Pirates.  I have a deep understanding of Somali pirates.  Once you watch Captain Phillips you become an expert in Somali pirates, as I have.  These hardworking family men are not only sheltered from generally accepted moral code, but also from commonplace innovation.  So I put together a list of things that I don’t believe Somali pirates know exist:

  1. Submarines – Boats that float underwater?  Sometimes I doubt that they exist.  I’ve never seen one.  I’ve never been in one.  If not for the History Channel, the internet, and an overly enthusiastic 3rd grade history teacher with a concerning zeal for zazzy neck ties, I wouldn’t know they exist.  670px-Drive-a-Boat-With-an-Outboard-Motor-Step-1These pirates steer their stupid little boats by getting actual hands on the motor and manually changing the direction of the propeller.  When in their lives could they have possibly been exposed to an underwater boat in person, or in print?  They don’t have the History Channel, and even if they did, they’re too busy pillaging shit to watch it.  These guys wake up because they are hungry and need to put stuff in their mouth, not because their android alarm is buzzing off.  Submarines are mean.  If they ever got one Hanks would be in big fucking trouble.
  2. Magnets – I don’t see the refrigerator magnet market in Somalia being big.  Mostly because I don’t see the refrigerator market in Somalia being big.  Other than the refrigerator magnet, when is the last time you got your hands on one?  The tip of your MacBook’s charging cord?  Somali’s don’t have one of those.  motifo-artwork-fridge1I’m going to go out on a limb and say there is no logical reason for permanent magnets to be distributed to the populace of Somalia.  Since we are desensitized to how cool magnets are, we forget how ground-braking it would be to show one to a full grown adult with a fever for Tom Hank’s ship.  They stick together and repel without a power source and never go dead.  It’s Earth’s alien metal.
  3. Lie Detector Tests – I’ve always been unwavering certain that I can beat a lie detector test.  But deep down I know that if I told a lie while connected to one, I would send that little needle-pen into a seismic fury.  My lie detector print out report would look like a pepped up coke head’s EKG right before going into cardiac arrest.  Here’s the question they would ask me if I was hook up to a lie detector test, “Chris, have you ever noticed that your underwear were shit-stained while pooping at noon on a workday, but decided to continue to wear them until you got home from work?”  My answer while hooked up would be, “No.”  I would try to pretend that they asked me a different question which I had a truthful “No” answer to so that I could beat-the-box, but in reality the lie detector would catch that fib and start waving like a 9 on the Richter.  Patterson Polygraph 09 002It would catch me because lie detector tests actually work.  And there is no fucking way that Somali’s know about them.  I don’t see their judicial system being too just.  I feel like if you go full Aladdin and jack an apple in Somalia, they throw you in a Rambo style snake pit and skip the trial.  Forget about lie detectors.  That’s science fiction to them.  (On a side note, never call a lie detector test a  polygraph if you want my respect.  That’s a dumb way to sound smart.  It’s like calling Adderoll dextroamphetamine.  Just stop.)

This article was written by Hugh Honey. Vic Vinegar is now finished.

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