The Straw Situation

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The thicker the straw, the greater the success of the company.  Sonic: Thick Straws.  Dairy Queen: Even Thicker.  McDonald’s: Are those Straws or Hoses?  You get the point.  But why do some companies waste time making mediocre sized straws?  For instance, Dunkin Donuts makes a very fucking average sized straw.  And then they have the balls to showcase it next to the high gauge Baskin Robbins straws.  That’s like having a naked Asian battle to pick up chicks in the hood.  For a fast food company the straw is everything; you will throw their cup away, but the straw wrapper will remain as a business card in the bottom of your cup holder for weeks.

I am pretty sure there are so many combination Dunking Donuts/Baskin Robbins locations so that Dunkin could capitalize on the foot traffic generated by Baskin Robbins’ straws.

The biggest cock tease of all straws is the mixing straw (pictured above in the lower quadrant).  It doesn’t know whether to be a straw (hallow sucking device) or a mixer (solid mixing device); making it the most bi-sexual of all straws.  Have you ever tried to use one as a straw?  It makes you feel like you have emphysema.  You need to double, or even triple up to get a solid mouthful…….Don’t worry, I’m not going to say it. But I will show you a picture of the most legit straw of all-time:

Eye Glasses Straw

**Whisky was a bold choice young boy, very bold.

This article was written by Hugh Honey. Vic Vinegar is now finished.

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